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Romance is all fine and dandy, but chloroform is a lot quicker.
The holiday I remember most when growing up was Easter. I'll ever forget waking up early on Easter Sunday and going on the traditional Haknort Egg Hunt. Mom hated it, though. Especially getting in the stirrups.
Someone told me that sex is all in the mind. Well I want to tell all you ladies out there, my brain is fourteen inches long.
I bet if time stopped, there would be very few people who would spend three grand on a Rolex. Especially since we'd probably all be dead.
A lot of the hardships in life, like diarrhea, aren't so bad if you have someone to share it with.
Sometimes it's hard to tell when a women is having an orgasm. So I told my wife, "The next time you have one, let me know." So she calls me up the other day...
I'm opposed to violence, but only when it's used in self defense.
I'll probably never be a good oboe player. Especially since I don't even know what one looks like.
I don't think I'm better than everybody else. I just think that everybody else is a fucking idiot.
This is a true story, but the names have been changed to protect Jaime Wilkens, of Baton Rouge, Louisiana.
I found Jesus the other day. I locked him in my trunk.
If you're ever on a date and you realize that your breath is bad and you don't have any mints, trust me on this and don't gargle with your own urine.
I'd rather be pissed off than pissed on. But I'd rather be jacked off than pissed off. Mostly, I'd just like to be left alone.
You can't judge a book by its cover. But I bet you could really put away a lot of potatoes, fatso.
I've never seen my own asshole. Though I once had an artist friend do an oil painting of it for me.
Once, I tried to have oral sex with myself. It was a good thing I couldn't reach, because I wouldn't trust me anyway. I'm sure I'd promise not to come in my mouth, then go ahead and do it anyway, and get real mad.
She was the kind of woman who thought her shit didn't stink. And if you disagreed with her, she'd pull it out of her purse to show you.
I've never had sex with an animal that I didn't eat afterwards.
Sometimes I think that too much of my work is based on dumb puns, hurting animals, and sex jokes. But then I remember that I also use a lot of scatological references. It's important not to be pigeonholed.
I love good broad humor. Unfortunately, not too many women can tell a good joke.
I hated to walk my dog, so I bought him a treadmill so he could walk himself. It worked out okay, except that the treadmill is covered with shit.
I got my girlfriend a teddy bear for her birthday. I was going to buy her a car, but they don't give licenses to monkeys.
I didn't say you were boring. I just said I'd give you a call if I ever had insomnia.
I'm not afraid of death. At least, when it happens to other people.
If you ever feel suicidal, don't hesitate to give me a call. I'd like to watch.
Sleeping around makes for some strange bedfellows.
I don't think my father ever loved me. He would ignore me a lot, and he would yell if I did something wrong. But the real clue was when he said--"I never loved you."
Everything isn't just black and white. There's also mauve.
I once knew a yogi contortionist who had so much control over his body that he could fit himself into a can of pork. He was going to tour the world and make a lot of money, but he never got around to it because some guy ate him with some beans.
I don't like camping. Except for the shitting in the woods part.
If my arms were three feet long, I'd have to buy a whole new set of shirts.
My ex wife thought oral sex was talking about it. And she wouldn't even do that. Bitch.
Familiarity breeds contempt, and my Uncle Shep breeds rabbits.
Judge not, lest ye be smacked on the head with this board.
The Lord moves in mysterious ways, like hopping up and down on one foot with his arms folded.
We can learn a lot from the tale of the Trojan Horse. Next time you're out of money and out of luck, just go and raid Troy, because those guys are fucking stupid.
I hated him, but he said I couldn't judge him unless I walked a mile in his shoes. So I beat him up and took his shoes.
Say what you will about Jesus-- he was certainly well hung.
I used to smoke, but only after making love. I was up to about two cigarettes a year.
A friend told me he was attacked by a five ton cow. I told him that was a lot of bull.
I used to have a lot of dreams that I was drowning. But that's what happens when you fall asleep while snorkeling.
I went to a stationery store, and all the people inside were standing still.
I didn't say you were ugly. I just said that I didn't think I could eat with you sitting across the table.
Contrary to popular belief, it isn't scary at all to live next to a cemetery. It's actually very quiet and peaceful. And if I'm ever horny or hungry, I just grab a shovel and go a'digging.
It's much easier to differentiate between a cabbage and a lettuce if you give them names, like Shelly or Jockmo.
Out of all my cherished family memories, I think my favorite was our activity every Thursday-- Group Masturbation Night.
I think it would be really neat if the world were made of cheese. Except on really hot days, because they would probably be a whole bunch of deaths.
I like to drill, but only a little bit.
The end of something is very much like the beginning, only it happens at the end of it.
They said I didn't have a positive attitude. Which is utter fucking bullshit, those goddamn cocksuckers.
I don't understand why some people insist on beating a dead horse. Especially when beating a live one is so much more fun.
Life's a bowl of cherries, and I fucking hate cherries.
I wanted to go to the party, but something came up. namely, the liverwurst sandwich I just ate.
I'll never forget Mom's signature dish. She called it Pork Surprise. It was just a big bowl of dirt with some clumps of weeds in it. When we asked where the pork was, she'd yell--"There's no pork... surprise!"
A guy in a bar was screaming about how much he hated cops. He thought cops were corrupt and useless. I interrupted him to point out that cops were necessary, and that not all of them were bad. In fact, I've had several good experiences with cops. He was just acting prejudiced. But then he told me he wasn't talking about cops, he was talking about wops. So naturally, I agreed.
I wonder what the world record is for the longest penis, because after that accident with the automatic folding machine, I bet I'm a contender.
I never claimed to be a genius. Well, except for that billboard I rented.
Insight is a valuable thing, but not as valuable as two kilos of uncut Columbian cocaine.
Petroleum jelly, even though it has many uses, makes for a lousy sandwich spread.
People do the funniest things when they're on fire.
I think I would make a good art critic, except for the fact that I don't know much about art, and mostly, I hate it.
Food poisoning really makes me sick.
If it can be collected in a large enough amount, toejam makes a unique gift.
Things must have been rough in the days before refrigeration. I mean, hey-- no indoor hockey.
I wish I was a dog. Not because I'd have a lot of fun chasing frisbees and being petted and loved by a nice family. I'd just like to eat as many squirrels as I wanted. Plus, I could lick my own penis.
I used to play doctor when I was a kid. My next door neighbor Tammy and I would go behind the bushes and she would take off her clothes. Then I would take out her appendix with a kitchen knife. I was in and out of institutions a lot.
My father beat me when I came home from the grocery store empty handed except for those three magic beans that old woman sold me. But I got my revenge in the end, because Dad ate the beans and a thousand foot beanstalk grew out of his ass.
Out of all the things to be allergic to, I think the worst is to be allergic to yourself. I mean, you couldn't take yourself anywhere.
I didn't bother with candy or flowers. Instead, I shaved my entire body and gave the hair to my girlfriend for Valentine's Day. If you know any nice girls, have them call me, because I'm recently available.
Probably one of the worst things you can say to a police officer who pulls you over is-- "I just fucked your wife."
If people gave birth out of their noses, I bet there would be a lot of miscarriages during the cold and flu season.
A female friend of mine just got a diaphragm. It didn't work too well, because now she's pregnant and badly constipated.
One of the things that never gained popularity as a form of communication, is farting.
Just because I like to set an occasional building on fire, and then watch with glee as it burns to the ground, that doesn't make me a pyro.
My wife is worth her weight in gold, and I wish I had that gold instead of her, the bitch.
Out of all the endangered animal species, I think baby harp seals taste the best.
A duck has a really funny way of walking. Especially after you cut off his feet.
Education is very important, but not as important as flashy clothes and a nice car..
I think it is possible to tickle yourself, if you can reach far enough up our own ass.
You can't have your cake and eat it too. So let me eat it.
When I was younger, I couldn't decide if I wanted to be a doctor, or a cab driver. So I compromised. I pick people up in my car, then cut them open.
She beguiled me with her feminine charms. Both of them.
I've always wondered what it would be like if I pulled out both my eyeballs and then turned them to look at each other. I'm afraid to try it, because it'll probably hurt. Maybe I should get drunk first.
Chunky peanut butter is great. I wish they made other things chunky style, like hot dogs.
When I was a little kid, I never used to fry anthills with a magnifying glass or pull the wings off of flies. That didn't come until I was older.
Many men spend their lives searching for peace. That's all I want, too. Just a little piece.
Out of all the dangerous things you can stick your penis into, I have to say from experience that a hornet's net is worse than a light socket.
I found out what it means to be alive in your autumn years. It means you fall a lot.
I'm in the mood for love, simply because you're naked.
Show me seven naked eighteen year old girls, and I'll give you fifty bucks.
Will there ever be a hero as widely loved and admired, as Captain Bananahead?
When it comes to making love, I'm an artist. A crummy artist, but an artist just the same.
Yeah? Well maybe I didn't use any common sense because I'm not common, buddy.
Prison isn't as bad as it seems. Sure, the food is lousy, and you don't have any freedom, and you're constantly being raped by large men. But you really have a chance to catch up on your reading.
Fairy tales played a very important role in shaping my adult life. In fact, they're a large part of the reason why I abduct children and bake them in my oven.
I know a girl who's a nympho. She's open for anything.
I love women's breasts. But they don't keep too well without proper refrigeration.
There are a lot of different ways to get even, but killing th guy and then mailing his head to his parents is a pretty good one.
Life has a funny way of kicking your teeth down your throat.
Times are tough, but I keep a stiff upper lip. It's in my wallet right now.
I'll always support you, just like a good bra.
Next time you're bored, call up an animal hospital and ask to speak to the patients. It starts to get really funny, after you've called the same place seven hundred times.
Eating has always been a social ritual for mankind. Since the caveman days, people have gathered together to eat. But why don't we experience other biological functions in a group situation, like defecation? Perhaps because it's a difficult thing to time properly.
I tried to borrow money from a midget once, but he didn't lend me any-- he was kind of short.
I like my steak bloody rare. If I had the option to take a big bite out of a still-breathing cow, I'd take it. In fact, that's the reason I'm not allowed in Texas anymore.
God love ya, because I sure as hell don't.
My mama didn't raise no dummies, except for my brothers and sisters. And me.
My friend Mertle sure is stupid. The other day she stole a bottle of ketchup from the grocery story. Just poured the whole thing in her purse.
She was oozing sexuality. Which explained the stain on the chair.
Foreplay? I don't even wake my wife up. "Bad dream, honey. Go back to sleep."
I was born on Labor Day. A least, it was Labor Day for my mom
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