Adages, and Slander by J. Andrew Haknort.
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I think a good thing to say to someone when shaking hands is-- "You know, I can fit my whole fist up my ass."
If you had a pocketful of pennies and only one quarter, and a coin fell out of your pocket and rolled into the sewer, it would be the quarter.
I don't understand nuclear fission. First, how do you get the poles and hooks that small? Second, why is my hair falling out?
I am a man of many disguises, all of them fat.
There has to be life on other planets. The universe is infinite, so it is infinitely probable that the correct atmospheric conditions occurred on another planet to support living organisms. At least, that's what Zorbak my space friend told me.
I had amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I couldn't remember anything twice.
Whoever said getting there is half the fun should take the long road to hell.
You can lead a horse to water, but get one to juggle melons and you've got a nifty lounge act.
The way to a man's heart is through his fly.
I bet people who work at 24 hour convenience stores all have the same fear. Some weirdo comes in at three in the morning to buy Chapstick, and the next thing you know, he's walking out with your head in a bag.
I knew a guy who was so slow he grew moss on his north side.
I'm glad I was born a man and not a woman, because I would really miss my penis.
It's a good thing to share your stuff with others. But it's a better thing to have others share their stuff with you, and then horde your stuff for yourself.
I threw out my back the other day, and I had to go hunting through the garbage to get it.
My friend killed himself by cutting off his hands. This troubled all of us deeply, because no one could figure out how he picked up the axe the second time.
I wouldn't mind being alone so much is I were better company.
There are things that make you wonder about vegetables. Like that one time I was in the garden and got smacked in the back of the head by a cabbage. I turned around to see who threw it, but nobody was there.
If there was an award for the World's Biggest Loser, I wouldn't even win that.
Life is a series of endless disappointments, occasionally interrupted by a catastrophe.
She's not fat. Just too short for her body.
Incest is best kept in the family.
I once spent a weekend at a nudist camp, but it was pretty embarrassing. I didn't like having all those people looking at my flawed, naked body. Especially with my hard-on.
Actually, I wasn't born this stupid. I take pills.
Show me someone who says you can't buy happiness, and I'll show you someone poor.
I never met a young, beautiful, big breasted nymphomaniac that I didn't like.
Did you ever sleep with a woman who was married to someone else? I did. I hope Grandpa never finds out.
Can you catch a cold from getting a blow job? Maybe a head cold.
When I was little, I used to think that money was important. Then one day my uncle took me outside and pointed at the clouds and said, "You see those clouds? You can't buy clouds, no matter how rich you are." Then he held me in his arms and kissed me. They arrested him the next day.
This would be a far, far better world if people stopped complaining.
It's better to have loved and lost, then bet on the ponies and lost.
Creativity--working hard thinking up ways to avoid hard work.
I went to a seminar on how to be more patient, but it was too fucking boring so I left early.
If we were all forced to walk around on our hands, I bet you could make a lot of money picking up all the change that fell out of people's pockets.
Many people live their entire lives unhappy, and most of them work in my office.
Smile... at least you're not dead.
I used to wish that when I went to sleep I'd wake up the next morning as someone else. Then one day, it finally happend. I woke up as a completely different person. Now I don't know where I live.
If I had a ten dollars for every car accident I've ever been in, I still couldn't pay my insurance.
When an astronaut gets hit in the head, I bet he really sees stars.
I was going to see the eye doctor, but I couldn't. I haven't heard from the ear doctor yet.
It was a long day today. In fact, it was over 47 hours.
I don't know what I would do if there wasn't any beer left in the world. Not drink any, probably.
Sometimes, when I'm around other people, I think I can hear their thoughts, and I think they're thinking-- "I'm going to kill you, Haknort! I'm going to kill you!" I don't go out a lot.
The taste wasn't the worst part. The worst part was he never gave me the twenty bucks.
I have a jacket made out of lamb leather. It isn't very comfortable or very warm, but it makes me happy to think about all those lambs they slaughtered and skinned, just to make my jacket.
You need only impress yourself. And maybe the babes, too.
Sometimes I think I should give up writing and take up African interpretive dance. The only thing that stops me is that I'm not African, and I hate dancing.
I'm going to build a time machine, and then keep going back in time to the day that I built it, so I'll have a whole bunch of them that I could sell for a lot of money.
If you were made of fruit, would you take a couple bites out of your leg if you were really hungry?
A guy came up to me and wished me a happy new year. At first I though, what's so happy about it? Then I thought, it's the middle of June. Then I thought, what a weirdo.
I've always wanted to go out with a milk maid. It just seems like a good idea, for some reason. Maybe because I can picture her jacking me off.
When I was younger, I wanted to be a professional wrestler. Not for the money or the fame. I just like hugging big, sweaty guys in tights.
What good is an afterlife if you can't take your credit with you?
I'll never forget what my grandfather used to say. I would sit on his lap and he would yell, "Fatty buttocks! Fatty Buttocks!" at the top of his lungs. I guess I never really understood my grandfather. My parents didn't, either. That's probably why they put him away.
I think those fountains with statues of little boys urinating streams of water are offense. They're also dangerous. That's how I chipped my tooth.
I'll start going to the blood bank when they offer drive-thru service.
Penis size isn't important at all. Especially when you have thirteen inches like me.
My grandmother had Alzheimer's Disease and bulimia. She'd binge eat, then forget to throw up.
I used to be an optimist. Then I became a realist. Now I'm a shidonist. If someone is going to get shidon, it'll be me.
One thing that always bugged me about the Flintstones is that Dino was a dinosaur, and everyone knows that dinosaurs died out long before man came around. They didn't have cars back then, either. And also, Barney was a dork.
My psychiatrist thought I was insane, but I proved to him I wasn't by writing-- "I'm not insane" one hundred times on the wall, in his blood.
I'm not a hypocrite. I just change my mind constantly.
Sometimes, when I'm really depressed, I like to put on a Halloween mask and go outside with a knife and stab a bunch of people. Is that so wrong?
I have a suicidal friend who believes in reincarnation. He's killed himself seven hundred and sixty-two times.
Japanese Samurai believe that when making love, it's important for a man not to ejaculate because he loses his yin. So maybe you wouldn't be so angry if you thought of it as my yin all over your sofa.
I was raised on a farm at the turn of the century, by poor and humble parents. I remember we used to have an old horse named Betsy, and when I was young Pa would put me on her back and we would go into town to pick up seed. No, wait-- that wasn't me.
There's nothing very interesting about my life. Unless you want to count what happens every day at noon, when the Bikini aliens milk me for my seed to fertilize their dying planet.
Women suck. But they have some bad qualities, too.
How do I love thee? Let me count the positions...
I grew a mustache, but my sister wants me to shave it off. She says it looks silly. And that it itches when I go down on her.
My friend Bob has seven cats. Or at least he did, until I killed them all.
I never met my father. He died before I as conceived.
I'll never forget what Mel, the corner barber, used to say all the time. Well, I'll be damned. I guess I did forget.
Sometimes I think--"Why is it so hard?" But it's probably because of all the direct genital stimulation.
Yes, believe it or not, there is a blue six foot chicken named Pepe living in my bedroom closet. Either that or it's the drugs.
God told us to love one another, and that's all I'm really trying to do. Now shut up and bend over.
I would hate to be dying of some horrible disease where I'm stuck in a hospital bed and hooked up to machines. Except for the catheter part-- I kind of like that.
I've never been good at picking up women. When I do finally pick one up, she yells for me to put her down and then calls the police.
I love the carnival. Except for the scary rides. And those rides that spin around too fast and make you sick. And all those dumb games of chance that you can never win. And the awful food. And the crowds. I guess I don't like the carnival after all.
I ran for President once, but the Secret Service grabbed me before I got close to him.
I once had sex with a car muffler. Couldn't sit for a week.
One man's leftovers is another man's banquet. But I bet the guy who considers some old potatoes and a soup bone a banquet is a real loser.
Can a good person ever say no? No. Wait a second...
When I make love, I always believe my partner should be satisfied. But I wish they'd go in another room, because I'm trying to sleep here.
Foreign countries are really stupid. I mean, most of them can't even speak English.
I haven't had sex in a long time, but I've been practicing a lot on my own.
Laughter may be the best medicine, but I'd like a couple of antibiotics just the same.
When I was a kid, I had a little doll named Louie. I slept with him every night and used to dress him up, and took him everywhere I went. After a while, he started to smell, but I still dragged him everywhere. Then some people came and took him away, because he was really the corpse of my dead baby brother.
Sometimes the truth hurts. Especially when it's followed by a severe beating.
I hate talking to people who have crossed eyes, because I never know which eye to look into. Then I have to fight the urge to smack them on the side of the head, to see if they'll straighten out.
When I finally knock on Death's door, I'm hoping he's out for the evening.
I'll never forget the time I lost my virginity. It was such a great experience, I felt like I could shit sunshine. And I did, which really ruined it for my partner.
Everyone needs love. even old, stinky, fat women with hairy moles need love. Just don't ask me to give it to them, because they make me puke.
I studied taxidermy for two years, until someone explained to me that mounting animals really meant something different than what I was doing.
My friend Stu, whenever we go
to a party, he puts a lampshade on his head. Then he says--"It's a lot cooler in
the shade."
I was caught fondling the Venus de Milo, and was charged with Statutory rape. I couldn't help myself-- she was unarmed. Maybe I'm in Lourve with her. Well, it's all Greek to me.
I like Hollywood, except for all the pretentious name dropping. In fact, I was talking to Brando the other day, and he completely agreed.
Ever have one of those days? I have one of those lives.
He's so bland he could bore monks.
There's nothing wrong with me that two thousand bucks, a bottle of whiskey, and a couple of whores wouldn't fix.
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