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| Crime |
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A bunch of banditos! Stole all my Fritos! I'm mad because now I have nothing to eatos!
| Explanation |
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When I get nervous I tell a joke It's a gag reflex.
| Chicken Little |
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The sky is falling! The sky is falling! Run for your life, he said. I told him the sky wasn't falling, I threw a brick at his head.
| Super Hero |
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What's that in the sky? It's a bird! It's a plane! It's Captain Bananahead!
| Undertaker's Disease |
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You can't stop coffin.
| Beaver |
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A beaver built his little home, On Uncle Shekkie's head, I asked Shekkie how he felt, "I'll be damned," he said.
| United Nations Game* |
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*Some Assembly required.
| Preferences |
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I'd rather eat a can of Spam, Then be fucked by a big fat man.
| Mr. Pfister |
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Mr. Pfister had a sister, All the men could not resist her, I heard Tommy Martin kissed her, And that's how he got that blister.
| Butt Jockey |
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Butt jockey! Butt jockey! Ride that butt! Butt jockey! Butt jockey! Bust that nut! Butt jockey! Butt jockey! You're so bad! Butt jockey! Butt jockey! He's my dad!
| Reaction |
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You're one in a million, But that's still one too many.
| Untitled |
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I was caught jerkin the gherkin, Now I'm in a pickle.
| Stinky Feet |
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He's got stinky feet! They are stinky stinky! Maybe because He sticks them up his ass.
| My Head's Caught in the Door! |
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My head's caught in the door! My head's caught in the door! My head's caught in the door! And it's getting really sore!
| Go, Man, Go! |
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Pluck that chicken! Shave that monkey! Hurry up! I'm really hungry!
| On Thesaurus |
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Roget... Had too much free time.
| Toodles |
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My beagle Toodles, Ate my box of crayons, Now I must wait to tomorrow, Before I can draw again.
| Ghost Shit! |
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Ghost shit in my salad! Ghost shit in my clothes! Ghost shit on my sofa! Ghost shit up my nose! Invisible but stinky! Floating on and on! Poltergeist ass blasters! Use the fucking john!
| Santa |
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He's making a list, Checking it twice, Checking it again, Because he has Alzheimer's.
| Fish Nuts |
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Fish nuts! Fish Nuts! Eat them with some sauce! Give some to your mother! Your neighbor! And your boss!
| Non Sequitor |
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My mom bought a computer, I think I'm gonna shoot her.
| Dreams and Fears |
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I want to visit the moon, Because I need to see If I pissed in the air, Would the piss float after me?
| Legs |
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Someone tied my legs in a knot! It really is the pits! I can't get them untwisted! What if I get the shits?
| Jack and Jill |
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Jack and Jill were lovers, Jack and Jill were friends, Jack and Jill got married, Jack bought a brand new Benz, Jill said she didn't like it, Said it took too much gas, Said it was too expensive, So Jack parked it up her ass.
| Fear |
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Is the best laxative.
| Opinions |
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Buttocks in hammocks, And nipping on nipples, Bags of burned squirrels, And popping big pimples, Pushing paranoid paraplegics on swings, These are a few of my favorite things.
| The Difference |
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A house is made of brick, But a home is made of Styrofoam and bits of string.
| Jail Again |
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I licked her neck, And got arrested, Because I didn't have a liquor license.
| Dumpling Head |
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Hey, Dumpling Head! Got a dumpling for a head! Don't run away in fright! Just give me one more bite!
| Sobriety |
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I was sober this morning But I got over that.
| Latrec Hooker |
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She was Talousse.
| Diet |
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Diet your way... Diet your way... Diet your way... To cancer!
| Pot Roast |
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Pot Roast! Pot Roast! Who's got the pot roast!
| Hot Babe |
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She could fuck The socks off a duck.
| Noble Cause |
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Teaching sign language To the blind.
| True Story |
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I shot the Easter Bunny! It was pretty funny!
| Good Question |
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I wonder why I ate that pie It really made me sick, The next time I Won't eat a pie That's made from donkey dick.
| Napkin |
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I need a napkin Because I've been crapkin.
| Feet War |
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My feet are plotting against me! They whisper under the sheets! The big toe on my right foot Is the leader of the feets!
They are planning revolution!
But I will win the Feet War!
I will beat my feet severely,
| Things |
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A pencil and eraser, A light bulb and a lamp, A set of Corningware, A crab that was still damp, Five salt and pepper shakers, A feisty goat named Janus, And a large beefsteak tomato, Are things I've stuck in my anus.
| Tasty |
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I'll crap on your turkey! I'll poo-poo on your pizza! I'll squat over your goolash! I've got gravy diarrhea!
| My Poems |
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Dead animals and
defecation, Getting hurt and masturbation, Paranoia, death, and drugs, Stupid puns and eating bugs, Though my poetry maybe smelly it Sure beats reading TS Eliot!
| Nursing Home Delinquent |
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Give me your tapioca! Or I'm gonna choke ya!
| Babysitter |
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I loved the baby sitter, Whenever she would baby sitter us, She'd take off her pants, And show us her big clitoris, Then we'd shave her beard... Hey! That was a guy!
| Jailbait |
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It was in my own back yard, Where I screwed a Mormon hard, Into prison I was flung, For she was too Gigham Young.
| How Big Is It? |
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I must wear a weight belt, When I take a leak.
| My Marriage |
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We so seldom had sex, You could call it the Three Spooges.
| Bendy Straw |
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Bendy straw! Bendy straw! How I love my bendy straw! Watch me bend it far and near! Watch me bend it up my rear!
| Sad Tale |
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I broke every one of my knuckles, Now I need help when my belt unbuckles.
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| QUOTATIONS |