|
| Impotence |
|
You can't keep a good man up.
| |
| Upset | |
|
I can't get in my bagel box! Because it has too many lox!
| |
| Aggression | |
|
Kiss my ass! Kiss my ass! Ooooh... that's kind of nice.
| |
| Complaints | |
|
I hate the cold and hate the heat, I hate the sun and rain, But the thing I hate the most, Is people who complain.
| |
| Happenstance | |
|
I was hit by a rental car And it Hertz.
| |
| Jack in the Box | |
|
What's this white gooey stuff?
| |
| Hog | |
|
The hog had no nose, But I was rooting for him.
| |
| Mail Order Blues | |
|
I bought a mail order bride, A month ago on sale, She still hasn't arrived, I guess the chick's in the mail.
| |
| Discovery | |
|
I can masturbate with my feet! My socks are getting squishy.
| |
| Shepherd Bob | |
|
There's a shepherd in Scotland, His name is Shepherd Bob, He has a lot of female sheep, And he really likes his job.
After he makes love to a sheep,
Shepherd Bob is quite a character,
| |
| Tossed Salad | |
|
I said I wanted my salad tossed, So the waiter threw it at me.
| |
| Tossed Salad Part 2 | |
|
I said I wanted my salad tossed, So the waiter threw it out.
| |
| Tossed Salad Part 3 | |
|
I didn't want one anymore.
| |
| Donuts | |
|
I ate so many donuts My shit had sprinkles But no cream filling...
| |
| Double Jointed | |
|
I can bend so far back You can see up my crack.
| |
| Sex Life | |
|
All I have is my neighbor And it isn't very grand, It's tough to hold binoculars Using just one hand.
| |
| Dilemma | |
|
I'll never eat corn on the cob, Because I'm a fresh produce snob. But alas, I must confess, I'll eat it if it isn't fress.
| |
| Candelabra | |
|
Hey! My hooters are on fire!
| |
| Breakfast Critic | |
|
This waffle Is affle.
| |
| Plumber on the Cliff | |
|
Boy, did he plummit.
| |
| Ten Things | |
|
A frog, A dog, A fallen log, A bowl, A mole, A pizza roll, A park, A lark, Joan of Arc, And underwear.
| |
| Incident | |
|
There was a blackout at the mall, They lost electric power, I was trapped on the escalator, For almost a whole hour.
| |
| Invention | |
|
I stuck an antenna In a pig Now I've got a ham radio.
| |
| Brick | |
|
I wish I was a brick, Then I could get laid.
| |
| Small Deception | |
|
Oh, stop complaining. Just spit it out.
| |
| Sex Police | |
|
Spread 'em!
| |
| The Reason I Broke the Date | |
|
Alas and alack! Diarrhea is back!
| |
| Impotence Again | |
|
Some guys Just can't be beat.
| |
| Intelligent Turd | |
|
It's scatalogical.
| |
| On Philosophy | |
|
I never liked Nietche He's a son of a bietche.
| |
| Dog Chauffer | |
|
He uses his dog license, To drive that fancy limousine, He avoids the No Barking zones, And keeps his limo clean, He's livery, but not stable, He bit Daphene Du Muir, He's four legs on four wheels, He is the dog chauffer.
| |
| Toothpaste | |
|
I ate a tube of toothpaste, Right after Sunday Mass, My bowels are so clean, I can whistle out my ass.
| |
| The US Treasury | |
|
It makes a lot of cents.
| |
| Porno Shakespeare | |
|
Alas, poor Dork! I blew him, Fellatio.
| |
| Being Aggressive | |
|
If I were made of rock, Then I'd be a little boulder.
| |
| More Impotence | |
|
We couldn't get a rise out of him.
| |
| Why She Never Wore Her Bra | |
|
Because her titties, Wouldn't fitties.
| |
| Snake | |
|
I think I swallowed a snake! It's twice as long as me! It's slimy, brown, and curly! Check in the toilet to see!
| |
| Political Hopes | |
|
I want to be the mayor, But no one seems to cayor.
| |
| Camping | |
|
It's intense.
| |
| My Parents Want to Eat Me | |
|
My parents want to eat me, I can see it in their eyes, They both begin to drool When they gaze upon my thighs, They pretend to be caring, They fool me with lovin, But I know they really Want to stuff me in the oven, When they bought that giant pot, I knew I should have run, And now they have this cook book, Called 'Cooking With Your Son,' They rub me down with oil, To make me better tasting, They say it's for dry skin, But I know that it's for basting, My parents want to eat me, I don't know what to do, I would call the police, But they want to eat me too.
| |
| Bad Music | |
|
I bought some CDs, Now I have diabetes.
| |
| Bigot | |
|
I'm not a bigot, I love all the mongrel races.
| |
| Lynn | |
|
I know girl named Lynn, She's really very thin, I had to use a funnel, Just to get it in.
| |
| Santa | |
|
Santa got stuck in the
chimney, The elf was just to fat, He should have joined a health club, But it's too late for that, We never got our presents, I guess that's just the breaks, So for compensation, We're having reindeer steaks.
| |
| Inflatable Sex Doll | |
|
I bought a sex doll, For a small fee, But I have to blow her, Before she blows me.
| |
| Selling Kittens | |
|
No one will buy them, I guess I'll deep fry them.
| |
| Kill! | |
|
Kill your mom and kill your dad! Kill a lumberjack named Brad! Kill a hotel clerk named Jill! Run! Get going! Kill! Kill! Kill!
| |
| Guadalupe | |
|
I know a girl named Guadalupe, Who's really kind of loopy, Whenever she walks the dog, She rolls around in poopy.
| |
| Ode to Bobby Frost | |
|
The fog comes in On little cat feet. That is until I cut them off.
| |
| An Honest Appraisal | |
|
I want to lick your knockers!
| |
| Cocksure | |
|
I was making love, But I got a little cocky, She said that was okay, It's not the size that counts.
| |
| Ode to Dorothy Parker | |
|
The pigeons are up my ass, Alas.
| |
| Mistake | |
|
I drank old grease, It really hurts, And now I've got The Hershey squirts.
| |
| Free Country | |
|
I thought this was a free country, Where I could express my beliefs, But I'm in jail for religious convictions, Just for shooting a couple of priests.
| |
| Vampire | |
|
A vampire bit my mom, He's a mother sucker.
| |
| Find a New Medium | |
|
I sculpted a statue, Big and intricate, It was a thing of beauty, But it still smelled like shit.
| |
| Embarrassing Moments | |
|
I've tripped while in public, I've fallen off a log, But the worst was when I got stuck in the dog.
| |
| Dilemma | |
|
I cut off my eyelids Now I can't sleep.
| |
| Dancer | |
|
I know a ballet dancer, Who is dying of cancer, Now she dances on her toes, With a tube up her nose. | |
| Hot Dog | |
|
You sure this is a hot dog? What's with all the veins? And this looks like a foreskin! I'll trade you for your chips. | |
| Fast Fast | |
|
I refused to eat for thirty seconds.
| |
| Exposure | |
|
I exposed myself to new ideas, It wasn't very fun, Next time I expose myself, It will be to a nun.
| |
| Lot | |
|
I thought I parked in a parking lot, But it wasn't marked as such, Perhaps it wasn't a lot at all, Perhaps it was too much.
| |
| Jenny | |
|
Jenny stuffed her bra, But the giblets chaffed her nipples.
| |
| The Gift | |
|
I wanted to give of myself, So here's a bottle of sperm.
| |
| Monopoly | |
|
Won't someone play Monopoly? I'll get it from the shelf, If no one want to play with me, I'll just play with myself.
| |
| Accident | |
|
My car lost all control, And crashed in the Great Lakes, The mechanic explained to me, Hey buddy, that's the brakes."
| |
| Card Sharp | |
|
Ow! Call 911!
| |
| Grace and Emmanuel | |
|
Grace gave Manny oral sex, While she sat on his face, She cried, "Oh Come Emmanuel! He said, "That's Amazing Grace!"
| |
| Mice | |
|
I was playing poker, With some mice, But they don't shuffle well.
| |
| Sir Loin | |
|
Sir Loin was a gallant knight, He lived on the Strip, by a lake, But he was accused of witchcraft, So he was burned at the steak.
| |
| Son of Sir Loin | |
|
Sir Loin had a son named Charles, But he was cursed with bad luck, He burned their Porter House down, So he had to Ground Chuck.
| |
| Male Sex Doll | |
|
I must inflate him, To fellate him, Air comes out, When I masturbate him, He's everything a man could want, Except, perhaps, tits and a twat.
| |
| Ode to F. Scott | |
|
He could never play craps Because of Paradise Lost.
| |
| Cry of the Wereham | |
|
The full moon is here! Run away if you can! I'll become the wereham! Half ham and half man! When the moon hits my face I will slowly transfigure Into a slice of pork! Only fifty times bigger! I'll roll through the streets! Like a giant pink turd! I cannot be helped But can be sugar cured! I'm an unholy terror! Running around loose! Lightly salted and packed In a watery juice! I'm Satan the porker! The scourge of the land! I can't hold a job! When I change-- I'm canned! Lock me up in a pen! I can't help what I am! I'm a kosher nightmare! I am The Wereham!
| |
| Winter Sports | |
|
I understand skiing, But I can't figure skating.
| |
| Defeat | |
|
Are on de legs.
| |
| Dinah | |
|
Dinah was a lizard, Dinah was a whore, She fucked a pterodactyl, And boy was Dinah sore.
| |
| Stamp Eating | |
|
I ate a roll of stamps, Now I'm having bowel cramps, I know that I am fated, To have shit that's perforated.
| |
| I've Had My Lumps | |
|
I went to a phrenologist, To have my fortune read, To insure a good future, I dropped a tool box on my head.
| |
| Fallacy | |
|
No, I'm not constipated! I always walk like this!
| |