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| What I Told the Doctor |
| I was making a cucumber salad While in the shower, I swear! Then I slipped and fell backwards! That's how it got up there!
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| Hole in My Head | |
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I drilled a hole In my head It bled Now I'm dead.
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| Childhood Memory | |
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I fell off a building, When I was quite small, I thought I would die, But the ground broke my fall.
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| Typewriter | |
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My typewriter bought a drink, He put it on his tab.
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| Vivisectionist | |
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The DEA caught him, For selling joints.
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| Boa | |
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My pet boa died, When I let him outside, In the snow without a coat or hat, But in just a jiffy, His body got stiffy, Now I've got a snake baseball bat.
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| Invention | |
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An airplane is just a dream, In disguise.
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| No Money | |
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I'm so broke even my posture is poor.
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| Ode to T.S. Eliot | |
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I have heard the mermaids singing Each to each... They were singing "Louie Louie."
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| Au Jus | |
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God bless you.
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| Squirrel | |
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He sits in a tree, And plays with his nuts.
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| Classical Memory | |
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I once owned Beethoven's piano But it baroque.
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| Camel | |
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Camel hump! Camel hump! That's all he ever does!
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| Fishing | |
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Chris can bait a hook, But I'm the master baiter.
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| Kitty | |
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The messy little kitty, Was smeared with kitty shitty, I threw him in the bathtub, But he drowned, What a pity.
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| Rock and Roll | |
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The roll tasted better.
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| Jack and Jill | |
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Jack and Jill went up the hill, Jack fell and broke his back, Now Jack is pushing fifty, And Jill is pushing Jack.
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| Truth | |
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Yeah, I sodomized the hog But I'm no freaking pervert It had been dead for a while More bacon?
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| Banana Liqueur | |
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Banana
liqueur! Banana liqueur! Don't stop, baby!
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| Wish | |
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I want to dance, Inside your pants, But I cantse.
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| True Story | |
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There was a Russian cook, Who sold borscht by the cup, If you didn't say you liked it, Then he would beet you up.
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| Need Change? | |
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Go to a singles bar.
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| Jack Gillespie | |
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This is a short poem Because I don't know em.
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| Ode to Longfellow | |
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All the women loved him Because he was a Longfellow But he blew his Wadsworth too quickly.
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| Genie | |
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I rubbed a brass lamp, And out came a genie, I stepped on her head, Because I'm a meanie.
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| Visit to the Proctologist | |
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It was a pain in the ass.
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| Parking Meter | |
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There's a parking meter, In my shower, I need a quarter, To bathe an hour.
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| Maneating Gnomes! | |
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Maneating gnomes! Maneating gnomes! They have messy hair Because they don't have combs!
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| My Poodle Has a Bat! | |
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Run for your life! Run for your life! My poodle has a bat! Lock up your wife! Lock up your wife! Or he will pound you flat! Head for the hills! Head for the hills! Try to escape from the poodle! Run for your life! Run for your life! He has gone crazy an oodle!
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| The End | |
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I swallowed my own foot, And now my life's kaput.
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| Jail Time | |
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I stepped on a cat And got arrested For felineous assault.
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| Potato Famine! | |
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Potato famine! Potato famine! All the potatoes are starving!
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| Similarities | |
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This apple reminds me of you my love, You're both a little tart.
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| Jail Time 2 | |
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I was taking a photography class, And got arrested For indecent exposure.
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| Fuse | |
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I blew a fuse! I blew a fuse! It really burned my mouth!
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| Drinking Accident | |
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She was nursing her drink, And got frostbite on her nipple.
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| Olympics | |
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I was pole vaulting, And tripped over Vinkowski.
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| Jake | |
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Jake is in Intensive Care, For doing a dirty deed, He was Xeroxing a body part, And got caught in the auto feed.
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| Male Pattern Baldness | |
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There's a cure for baldness! Invented in Napels! You just need a strong arm! And a big box of staples!
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| A Hunch | |
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A friend asked if I knew Victor Hugo, And I told him not very well, Then he asked if I knew Quasimodo, And I said that he rings a bell.
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| Insect Matrimony | |
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I've never seen a cricket wed, But I've seen an antelope.
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| Vacuum | |
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This vacuum sucks! This vacuum sucks! I need more K-Y Jelly!
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| Jail Time 3 | |
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I was locked up in San Quentin, Imprisoned by the Feds, Just for having a sense of humor, And a bag of baby heads.
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| Mint Chocolate Chicken | |
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I hate ice cream cones With bones.
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| Slippery Eels! | |
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Slippery eels! Slippery eels! They do not have feet So they cannot wear heels!
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| What She Said While Giving Head | |
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Argmarpharamga!
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| Starving | |
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I have no food! I have no food! It's been three months Since I have pooed!
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| Dawn | |
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My neighbor Dawn and I, Were sunbathing on my lawn, Then she took off her panties, And I saw the crack of Dawn.
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| Phone Trouble | |
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Don't answer the phone! It's aliens from space! If they find out I'm here! They'll come and eat my face! Or even worse; it's my mom!
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| Giant Hog | |
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There is a giant hog, Who lives in my garage, But I never see him, Because he uses hamoflage.
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| Self Discovery | |
| I want to be, A screamin' demon, But I'm just, A heinous anus.
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| Nuns | |
| I really hate nuns, They give me the runs.
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| The Perfect Birth Control | |
| You blow me.
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| I Cannot Find Her Clitoris! | |
| I cannot find her clitoris! I know it must be there! I'm looking with a flashlight! It's got to be somewhere! I cannot find her clitoris! And I'm a student of pre-med! Maybe it fell off! And rolled under the bed!
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| I Need to Do Laundry | |
| I took off my pants, And they did a little dance.
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| Protozoa | |
| When they're lonely, They can split, So they'll become a pair, I tried to do the same, Now I'm in intensive care.
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| Whales | |
| I want to save the whales, But I have no place to put them.
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| Demons | |
| There are demons! In my cornflakes! That is why I switched to pancakes.
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| When I'm Dying | |
| I don't want pity, On my death bed, I want naked women.
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| Clothing Talk | |
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I put my ear to my closet, And heard my shirts discussing Descartes, I had to laugh out loud because Their interpretation wasn't that smart.
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| Pants | |
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I let out a pair of pants, And they ran away.
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| Spices | |
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Sassafrass, Can kiss my ass.
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| Pack Rat | |
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I can't throw anything away, I save every single thing, In fact here is a pork chop, That I've had since last spring.
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| Creative Impetus | |
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I'm on a roll! I'm on a roll! And I got butter on my pants!
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| Accuracy | |
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It is imperiitive.
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| As I See It | |
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If you called a dog a barker, And you called a hen a clucker, And you called a fish a swimmer, Then I'd be a little fucker.
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| Paraplegic Wine | |
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Cripple ripple.
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| Pies | |
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When we had dinner in my house, It always made me cry, Mom put a cephalopod in crust, And called it octopie. It was the worst thing I ever eight.
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| The Truth | |
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I'm not a transvestite! I was forced to wear this bra Forced by my gay lover!
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| Relative Choice | |
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I like to put on Uncle's shirt, But I'd rather get in Auntie's panties.
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| Mathilda | |
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My newborn cousin Mathilda, Spits her baby food out on the floor, She'll never be a good hostess, But she'll probably make a good whore.
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| Skinny Dipping | |
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I went out with a blonde named Eva, We went skinny dipping in the pond, I found out she wasn't skinny, She also wasn't a natural blonde.
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| Sperm Banks | |
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Whenever I think of sperm banks, A painful memory lingers, When I think of all those years, All that money slipped through my fingers.
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| Drug Abuse | |
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Drug abuse! Drug abuse! I just beat up some pills!
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| Leisure Suit | |
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I was just relaxing, And now I'm being sued.
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| Why I'm in Jail | |
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I stole a Goya, And had a bad lawya.
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| New Snack Idea | |
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Cut your feces Into bite-sized peces.
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| Urinal Cakes | |
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Urinal cakes! Urinal cakes! They're the only thing My grandmother bakes!
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| Urinal Cakes Deus | |
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They smell like mint, But don't taste like mint.
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| Sizes | |
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Some guys have a small sex organ, But I have a grand piano.
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| Library | |
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I want to work in the library! I'm very smart and well read! They didn't need any librarians! So I nailed a bookshelf to my head!
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| Ride Em Cowboy | |
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I bought a pair of chaps, Their names are Bob and Elmer.
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| The Baby Is On Fire! | |
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The baby is on fire! The baby is on fire! Stomp it out! Stomp it out! Now you crushed his head!
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| Toe Jam | |
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I won't eat this jelly, Because it is smelly.
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