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| Obese Bat |
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Obese bat! Obese bat! It can't fly 'Cause its too fat!
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| Being Frivolous | |
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I ran
through a preschool nude, And now I'm being sued.
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| I'm Afraid to Flush My Toilet | |
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I'm afraid to flush my toilet, I'm afraid I'll get sucked down, So I just refuse to flush is, And it's getting very brown.
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| Deboned | |
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I bought a deboner, And deboned my cat, Now she just lies around, Like a furry floor mat, She is my deboned cat, And I am her owner, You'd better watch out! 'Cause I've got deboner.
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| Mr. Meeple in Jail | |
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Last time he took a shower, He was butt raped for an hour.
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| Cannibal Cookout | |
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Patty and Frank are on the grill, Chuck is on there too, Who's that cooking in the pot? Stu.
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| Mental Illness | |
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I cut off all my fingers, Then I cut off all my toes, Now I can't put on my clothes, And I get cold when it snows.
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| Penguin | |
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Penguin! Penguin! Silly little penguin! Look at him waddle! Look at him swim! Look at the walrus! It's eating him!
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| Boom! | |
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Boom boom boom! Boom boom boom! Catch little Timmy! He's falling down the stairs!
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| Why I Couldn't go to Work | |
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A broom got stuck up my ass, The big end first.
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| Worth the Climb | |
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I climbed up the tree, Up to Mr. Robin's nest, And I shit on all his eggs, There! How do you like that!
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| Schnookums | |
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I grabbed my kitty Schnookums, And I gave him a big hug, But I was too excited, Now there's cat guts on my rug.
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| Mr. Wiggles | |
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Mr. Wiggles! Mr. Wiggles! Can you show me some tricks? Of course he can, Rebecca! Unless my zipper sticks!
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| Jeff | |
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No one likes, My cousin Jeff, He's a nice guy, But has bad breff.
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| Jimmy's Wife | |
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His wife's A real fatso, So he beat her, With a batso.
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| Crapola | |
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I searched my crapola, For a bar of granola, I ate the previous morn, But all I found was corn.
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| Philatelist | |
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I stamped upon my buddy's head, Then I stamped on his mid-section, When he asked me why, I said "It's for your stamp collection."
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| Brandy Snifter | |
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And she smelled yucky.
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| Science Gone Wild | |
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I got a brain transplant Now I don't know who I am.
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| Utah Deer | |
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They live in Salt Lick City. Well, hell... they can't all be good.
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| Let Me Out! | |
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Let me out I tell you! Let me out I say! Let me out this instant! Or you will surely pay! Let me out I beg you! I'm a brand new man! Let me out, I promise! I won't stab you again!
| |
| ode to e.e. cummings | |
|
he doesn't use capitals, and his poems a crapitals.
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| Walking in the Park | |
|
While walking in the park, I saw a dog lick his groin, I tried to do the same, And he bit me in the face.
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| Circus Clowns | |
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Circus clowns, Make me frowns.
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| Abusive | |
|
What do you mean I'm abusive? I'll beat you until you take it back.
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| Insights | |
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I want to leave this rubber room, But my psychiatrist won't let me, He says I'm a deluded paranoid, I think he's out to get me.
| |
| How I Broke My Leg | |
|
My car stalled So I tried to jump it.
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| Old Potato | |
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I won't eat it because It's covered in fuzz.
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| Phone Company Nazis! | |
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Phone company Nazis! They aren't very funny! Stinking Nazi snotzis! Taking all my money! Local and long distance! Makes me want to kill! I need a second mortgage! Just to pay my fucking bill!
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| Beans | |
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I ate too many beans Now I can't fit in my jeans.
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| Moose | |
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The moose is loose! The moose is loose! Let me zip it back up.
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| My Eyes Fell Out | |
|
My eyes fell out, How the hell am I supposed to find them?
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| Chevy a-go-go! | |
|
Chevy a-go-go! Chevy a-go-go! The goddamn light is green! Fucker!
| |
| If I Had Two Asses | |
|
If I had two asses, Then life would be fine, If I had two asses, I'd poop in half the time, If I had two asses, I could crap the letter X, If I had two asses, I'd have twice as much sex, If I had two asses, I'd need a bigger john, If I had two asses, I'd have one more than Juan.
| |
| Extra Virgin Olive Oil | |
|
Not anymore! Bwahahahaha!
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| XXXL | |
|
Extra extra extra large! Her ass is bigger than a barge!
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| Farming | |
|
It's a croppy job.
| |
| Playful Mood | |
|
I was in a playful mood, So I put bullets in the dog food, Then the pet on which I doted, Are some and exploded.
| |
| Gorilla | |
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He was horny, So he got a monkey wench.
| |
| Army Story | |
|
The Sergeant was court
marshaled, He was caught abusing his privates.
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| The Pill | |
|
Mary is on the pill, But it plagues her with doubt, Whenever she has sex, The pill just falls right out.
| |
| Paradox | |
|
I had a dream, That I couldn't fall asleep, When I woke up I was exhausted.
| |
| Choices | |
|
I'd rather have A gin and tonic, Then a high colonic.
| |
| The Spider | |
|
A spider sang a song to me, He sang about his life, He sang about his spider web, And his little spider wife, He sang about his spider kids, Tommy, Jane, and Tim, He sang and sang and sang until, I finally stepped on him.
| |
| Liberace | |
|
He plays the piano, But I'm not a fano.
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| When I'm Dead | |
|
When I am finally dead, Before you mourn or weep, Before you cremate me, Make sure I'm not just asleep.
| |
| Feeling Crappy | |
|
Right now I'm feeling crappy, And it's gooshy in my hands.
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| Happy New Year | |
|
Another year gone by, Hurray! A new one just beginning, Fuck.
| |
| Bonzai | |
|
That's just what I need, A little bush.
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| Mortimer | |
|
I went to Mortimer's condo, And cut off his head with my knife, Even though I got arrested, I finally got ahead in life.
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| Denial | |
|
It's de river in Egypt.
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| Chocolate Bunny | |
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Chocolate bunny, Tasty tasty! But too many bones.
| |
| Bird | |
|
Look at the birdy, Tweet tweet tweet! He shut the hell up When I pulled off his beak.
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| My Livestock is Dead | |
|
My livestock is dead! My livestock is dead! I guess it isn't livestock anymore.
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| Change | |
|
The time has come for change, Here's a buck, get me some change.
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| Noel | |
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Noel! Noel! My name has noel! Or maybe it does And I just cannot spell!
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| Poetry | |
|
Write poetry alert, The verse will be pert, Write poetry drunk, It won't be fully thunk.
| |
| Ties | |
|
I tie my ties too tight, So tight they feel like nooses, I cannot drink thick juices, I'll have to tie them looses.
| |
| Kangaroos | |
|
They drink a lot of beer, Because it's make with hops.
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| Stereo | |
|
Fred got a stereo, And I don't careo.
| |
| Laugh Track | |
|
If my life had a laugh track, I would be hearing giggles, If I was made of pork, Then I would be a piggles. (giggles)
| |
| Pigeon | |
|
I stepped on a pigeon, And it screamed a smidgen.
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| Blind | |
|
I'm going blind! I'm p[ ep0 3l1 lkl
| |
| Whore | |
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I asked the whore To give me head, But she gave me, An arm instead.
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| Grandma | |
|
My grandma wears a diaper, I really hate to wipe her.
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| Canopy | |
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Canopy! Canopy! I'd rather have a can of soup.
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| Cheeky | |
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I bit off my cheeks! Now all my food leaks! And I can't speaks!
| |
| Broken Leg | |
|
I used my cat as a crutch, But he isn't helping much.
| |
| Paranoid | |
|
I'd rather be a paranoid, Then a pair of shoes.
| |
| Aliens | |
|
Space aliens are reading my mind! I covered my head in aluminum foil! Now my thoughts are protected fine! But all my food is starting to spoil!
| |
| Oral Sex with the Overweight | |
|
You lousy fat fuck! Now my head is stuck!
| |
| Shit on a Stick | |
|
A poopsicle.
| |
| Doctor | |
|
I went in for a booster shot, He said I'll feel a little prick, But it took my by surprise, When he handed me his dick.
| |
| Dead Rabbits | |
|
They don't eat much, As pets they are swell, Just use some Pine-Sol, When they start to smell.
| |
| Georgie Porgie | |
|
Georgie Porgie, puddin' and pie, Smacked the girls and made them cry, When the boys came out to play, He grabbed their nuts 'cause he was gay.
| |
| My Undying Love is Stiff | |
|
I want to put my goose, In your caboose, And fill you up With hot love juice.
| |
| Dead Fish | |
|
There's a dead fish in my hamper, I can smell it with my nose, I'm not a happy camper, It is staining all my clothes.
| |
| Bowling Accident | |
|
I got hit in the nuts with a bowling pin! After making a seven-ten split! They swelled to the size of grapefruits! Now my underwear doesn't fit!
| |
| Seizures | |
|
It the conniption fits, Wear it.
| |
| Art Collector | |
|
I'll trade you this part Of Whistler's Mother, For a piece a Mona Lisa.
| |
| Rainy Day Sports | |
|
I like to go jogging, After it rains, Then my shoes get covered, With tasty worm stains.
| |
| Infinity Theory | |
|
If you divide
something in half, Then divide it again, You can do it for infinity, And you'll never reach the end, So I tried out this theory, With my teacher Mrs. Tess, But she didn't halve forever, She just made a bloody mess.
| |
| I Lost My Keys! | |
|
I lost my keys! I lost my keys! Won't someone let me in! Please!
| |
| Dinosaur Sponges | |
|
If dinosaurs were sponges They would be Tyrannoporous.
| |
| Mexican Food Dream | |
|
I'm floating on a bean dip ocean, Sitting on a corn tortilla, There are guacamole clouds, Farther than the eye can see-a, Is this just a taco dream? Or the real enchilada? I only know that when I'm here I just keep getting fatta.
| |
| Gassy Hooker | |
|
She had berpes.
| |
| Genetic Engineering | |
|
I mated a frog and a chicken, And I got a hopping clucker, I mated my wife and my son, And I got a mother fucker.
| |
| Nuclear Shampoo! | |
|
Nuclear shampoo! Nuclear shampoo! It's causing hair fallout.
| |
| The IRS | |
|
Verse 1
The IRS is watching me, Verse 2
They pretend to be my neighbors, Verse 3
Where is my Schedule 2? Verse 4
...I know I'm being tailed
They'll make me turn my family, Verse 5
Can I deduct Verse 6
the irs is after me
| |
| Velcro Underwear | |
|
I bought a pair, Of Velcro underwear, But they got ripped off.
| |
| Leprosy Sports | |
|
I once played tennis, With a leper named Mort, I lost because he Was all over the court.
| |
| Bath House | |
|
The only parking Is in the rear.
| |
| Procrastination | |
|
I'm a big procrastinator, I don't know why I do it, I'd like to try and change, But I can't get around to it.
| |
| Dating Haiku | |
|
I had a blind date With the Invisible Girl But she never showed
| |
| Injustice | |
|
It's a travesty of justice, Why I'm stuck here in prison, I beat up my deaf neighbor, Because he wouldn't listen.
| |
| Your Knockers | |
|
If you had two more, Then you would have four.
| |