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| Choking |
| I am choking on a yak! I am choking on a yak! Won't somebody please hit me On the back! Yak! Yak!
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| Bobo the Frog | |
| There was a frog in a pink suit, His name was Bobo, I slapped him on the head, And he told me no no.
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| Walrus | |
| I came upon a walrus, Who was lying in the shade, He asked me if I'd like a glass, Of homemade lemonade, I took the glass and smiled, But he claimed I hadn't paid, And so I shot that walrus, Then I went out and got laid.
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| My Tuxedo | |
| It suits me.
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| Ostrich | |
| I ransomed an ostrich, From the zoo, have you heard? When they give me the money, I'll give them the bird.
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| Closet | |
| The closet won't open, I've tried and I've tried, It's been a month now, And my cat's trapped inside.
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| Nose | |
| I can fit a whole cupcake, Up my nose with ease, Then I can eat a snack, Whenever I sneeze.
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| Mouse | |
| The mouse was squeaking, So I oiled him.
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| My Penis | |
| My penis is covered, With painful red sores, So I rubbed it with ointment, And stopped humping whores.
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| Swordfish | |
| I once caught a swordfish, No trouble at all, I was just walking by When it fell off the wall.
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| Subway | |
| I rode the subway naked, Just to see people react, It was really quite exciting, Up until I got attacked.
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| Eye | |
| I pulled out my eye, So I could touch my brain, I hurt really bad, I won't do it again.
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| Bowl of Death | |
| My goldfish wants to kill me, I can see it in his eyes, I carry a gun for safety, I'll be happy when he dies.
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| Bologna | |
| Bologna on crackers! Bologna on crackers! I gave it to a duck! And he just went quackers!
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| Abacus | |
| I love my new abacus. I can really count on it.
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| Notes on Religion | |
| Bernie Steinbaum and his family, Were in Temple, in some pews, When some orange paint spilled on them, And now they are orange Jews.
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| The Green Hills of Yesterday | |
| (It's blank verse.)
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| Bug | |
| There was a bug, In my coffee mug, The biggest bug I've ever seen, I had to chew, To drink the brew, Because I needed the caffeine.
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| Data | |
| Data, data, How's about a data? Hurry up or we'll be lata, Don't forget to close the gata, You're my little baked potata.
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| Bob the Frog Part 2 | |
| Bobo the frog, Fell off a log, And croaked.
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| A Hamster Stole My Sandwich! | |
| A hamster stole my sandwich! He snatched it from my hand! And ran! Then he hit it like a bass drum! In a hamster marching band! Why did he steal my sandwich? I just don't understand! Why do I deserve this? Was my sandwich snatching planned By this hamster sandwich snatcher Who did snatch my tuna sandwich? He put it in his hamster satchel That hamster son of a bitch! A hamster stole my sandwich! I don't know what to do! I would have stole it back But the hamster was 6'2"!
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| Forty Days and Forty Nights | |
| Why is it raining? I don't Noah.
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| An Important Message | |
| Garble! Garble! Help me! I'm drowning!
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| Love Toy | |
| I am your helpless love toy, How my loins sweat for you, I am so hot for your bod, I don't know what to do, I want to take you in my arms, And take off all you're clothes, And lick your little nose, And smell your panty hose.
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| Date Rape | |
| I prefer prunes.
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| Alone! | |
| I am all alone! Like a king with no throne! Like a dropped ice cream cone! Like some rancid corn pone! Like a cheese: provolone! Like a woman named Joan! Like an unbuttered scone! And I've got a big bone!
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| Lust | |
| I want to tear off your clothes, And wear them myself.
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| Breast Feeder | |
| I was breast fed as a baby, They also fed me elbows.
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| Gerbils | |
| I caught a bunch of gerbils, And made them into soup, It would have tasted better, But those suckers sure can poop.
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| Neighborly Dispute | |
| I hated Mrs. Baxter, So I axed her
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| Shaving Accident | |
| I just cut myself shaving! I need to see a nurse! You think a neck wound's painful? A dick wound is much worse!
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| Cactus | |
| Don't sit on a cactus, Unless you've had practus.
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| Uncle Ned | |
| Uncle Ned just bought the farm, It brings tears to our eyes, Now all we have on our minds, Is will he subsidize?
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| Gay Man | |
| He said he was my friend, But he hurt me in the end.
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| Bowels | |
| I can't move my bowels! I can't move my bowels! Maybe I should call some movers.
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| Herbaceous Spores | |
| I hate herbaceous spores, Especially when they snores.
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| Doing Time | |
| Prison gave me acne, So I broke out.
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| Faeries | |
| There are faeries in my house, They fly around on little wings, They sprinkle faerie dust, And do other faerie things, They protect me from evil, They spare me from bad fate, They are beautiful, these faeries, And they taste really great.
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| Bad Theif | |
| I stole a Cadillac, And I really hurt my back.
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| Old Saying | |
| If you can't beat um, Scrotum.
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| Mole on my Ass | |
| There's a mole on my ass, It's hairy and big, I wouldn't care but, He's starting to dig.
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| Sad Day | |
| I was going to go To a stamp collecting show, But it was cancelled.
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| Wishful Thinking | |
| If I were a potato, Life would be greato.
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| My Penis Ran Away! | |
| My penis ran away! My penis ran away! It joined a penal colony.
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| The Egg Salas Ballad | |
| This is a ballad, To egg salad.
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| My Dog Shag 2 | |
| My dog Shag died, And turned an ugly yellow, Now he doesn't fetch, All he does is smello.
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| Food Poisoning | |
| I ate a bad steak, And they pumped my stomake.
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| Fashion Babies | |
| Look at the fashion babies! Gucci Gucci goo!
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| Cecil the Weasel | |
| I stuck the garden hose, In my weasel, Cecil, Then I turned it on, And played pop goes the weasel.
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| Bartending | |
| I can make a root beer float, If I put it in a boat.
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| My Favorite Parts of the Body | |
| Feet Nose Elbows And sometimes shins.
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| Refried Beans! | |
| Refried beans! Refried beans!
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| Old Adage | |
| A bird in the hand, Is worth two in the bush, Unless the bird has a spastic colon.
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| A Song for the Toads | |
| Grook! Grook!
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| Tongue | |
| There's a hair on my tongue! There's a hair on my tongue! Must be 'cause I just ate the poodle.
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| Pranks | |
| I cut off the hand, Of Mr. Humdinger, He wanted it back, So I gave him the finger.
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| Diarrhea! | |
| Diarrhea! Diarrhea! My ass is leaking! Woe is mea!
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| Baby Llama | |
| Baby llama! Baby llama! I cut off his tail And he cried for his mama!
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| Jesus | |
| He's the holiest man, That you'll ever meet, He's especially holy, In his hands and feet.
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| Observation | |
| Turn a frown Upside down And it becomes a smile, But hang a baby Upside down And he screams for a while.
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| Adult Movies | |
| It's hard work.
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| Things I Love | |
| Alcohols, And my balls.
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| Camping | |
| I like to go camping, When I am nude, But leaves stick to me, After I've pooed.
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| Boneless Chicken | |
| Boneless chicken! Boneless chicken! It sure can't run very fast!
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| Sad Story | |
| I ate some bad cheese, Now I've got a disease.
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| I Swallowed My Keys | |
| I swallowed my keys! A key-ring of twenty! When I get them back I'm sure it will hurt plenty!
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| Brownie Mix | |
| I ate a bowl of brownie mix, While Mother took her nap, She yelled, "That wasn't brownie mix! "You ate a bowl of crap!"
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| Holy Roller | |
| I saw the Virgin Mary, While shopping in a store, I dropped down to my knees... She's not a virgin any more.
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| If | |
| If mouses Bought houses You'd have to prorate them And if guppies Had puppies They'd bark when you ate them.
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| Babies | |
| I was bitten By babies And now I've got rabies.
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| Hungry Guy | |
| I ate the parrot, And didn't share it.
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| Decisions | |
| I'd rather stick a hose Up my nose Than put tobasco Up my assco.
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| Return of the Salmon | |
| There are salmon spawning, On my awning, They've been there since Two in the mawning.
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| Chicken | |
| Cluck off and fry.
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| Combo | |
| I love roofing nails, I also love eating, I combined the two, Now my gums are bleeding
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| Making Work Fun | |
| Next time you get a fax Take off your slacks.
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| Farmer in the Dell | |
| The farmer in the dell, The farmer in the dell, Hi-ho the merry-o, That fucker sure does smell.
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| Kite String | |
| I tied one end to my kite, The other end to my cat, It ran four hundred meters, In seven seconds flat.
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| Flatulance | |
| Ruined my pants.
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| Ascot! | |
| Ascot! Ascot! Ascot! It's caught in the couch!
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| Monkey kabob | |
| Monkey kabob! Monkey kabob! This thing is the worst! It's stringy! And it's gamey! I should have cooked it first!
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| Ears | |
| I pulled off my ears And now I can't hears.
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| Fountain Dreams | |
| Trickle trickle goes the fountain, Water arcs like a weeping willow, Open wet and sleepy eyes, I pissed on my head and pillow!
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| True Story | |
| I swallowed an apple seed, But it came out when I peed.
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| I Ate a Baseball | |
| I should not have ate it, Now I'm badly constipated.
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|
The Reggie
Chronicles (Catheter Love) | |
| I have a funny nephew, His name is funny Reggie, His mother ran him over, And now Reggie is a veggie,
Reggie's mom is real upset,
They want to pull the plug on him,
He has a tube in his throat,
His dad has many questions,
Then he took Reggie's catheter,
He loved the game of baseball,
It's a tale that's filled with sadness,
I visit him bi-weekly,
The end is getting closer,
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| SuperJew | |
| He's half Jew, half machine, Much to his nagging wife's chagrin, He doesn't battle crime or evil, But he sure knows a good bargain.
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| Clone | |
| I want to clone myself, Then I'll never be alone, Instead of masturbating, I could just bone the clone.
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| Snack Idea | |
| Put some sugar On a booger.
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| Cannibal | |
| I ate Mr. Jones, There were too many bones.
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| Wash | |
| I hate to wash! I hate to wash! If I was a rich man Then I'd own a Porsche!
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| Dutch Boy | |
| He put his finger, In the dyke, And she punched him, In the eyke.
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| MORE POEMS |