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| Exploding Fish! |
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Exploding fish! Exploding fish! A power overload! Exploding fish! Exploding fish! Look at them explode! Boom!
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| Giant Eggrolls | |
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Giant eggrolls, Rolling, rolling... I wish I had a giant fork.
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| Data | |
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Data, data, Dis and data, I can't go out, Without my hata, The baby's crying, What's the matta? Data, data, Dis and data.
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| Why the Floor is Wet | |
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I pissed, And I missed.
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| Mr. Meeple | |
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Mr. Meeple is a mailman, He delivers mail, Mr. Meeple killed his family, Now he is in jail.
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| My Dog Shag | |
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I have a dog with no legs, His name is Shag, I can't take him for a walk, I take him for a drag.
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| A Jew | |
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Gesundheit.
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| Little Man | |
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There is a little man inside my head, He tells me what to do, There is a little man inside my head, He wants me to kill you. AAAAHHHH!
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| Indecision | |
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I used to be indecisive, But not anymore... Or am I?
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| Gophers! | |
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Gophers! Gophers! All I see are gophers! They're standing on my porch! Wearing loafers! Gophers, gophers!
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| I Want to be a Twinkie | |
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I want to be a Twinkie, With white frosting inside, I could live in a package, And tell people that I died.
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| Hand | |
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I have five fingers on my hand, I don't have any more, But the knife is telling me, "You really just need four."
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| I Lost my Squirrel | |
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I lost my squirrel! I lost my squirrel! It just fell off now I'm a girl!
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| Where I Am | |
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I am inside Your mayonnaise And I'm not coming out.
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| My Buddy Arthur | |
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I grabbed my buddy Arthur, And I cut him apart, My doctor marvelled at the mess, "It's nice, but is it Art?"
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| Capitol Punishment | |
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Zap! Aaaa!
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| Nursery Rhyme | |
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Rub a dub dub, Three men in a tub, The fags.
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| Mr. Turtle | |
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Mr. Turtle has his own home, One his back, it's called a shell, I broke into his home last night, Now he's not doing very well.
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| Magic Carpet | |
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Hey! Where'd it go?
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| Tiger | |
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I was eaten by a tiger, In his stomach I was cooped, I got out yesterday, And I was really pooped.
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| Anal Sex | |
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I had anal sex, With my girl Gidgit, She got knocked up, The kid looked like shit.
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| My Dog Can Talk! | |
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My dog can talk! My dog can talk! But all it ever says is 'wiener.'
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| Cheeze Whiz | |
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Cheeze Whiz, Cheese Whiz, All I see is Cheeze Whiz, It's in my pants, It's in my hair, It's up my ass... It's everywhere.
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| Leech | |
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I dreamed I was a leech, It really sucked.
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| Japanese Poetry | |
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Haiku, Fuck you.
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| My Nasal Hair | |
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My nasal hair, My nasal hair, Without it my boogers, Would fall on the chair.
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| Expensive Gift | |
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I bought a mink, And it bit me.
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| Watch What You Eat | |
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Crackle, crackle! Munch, munch, squeek! Aaargh! There was a mouse in the Cheetos!
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| Life | |
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Life is like an apple: It blossoms, grows, ripens, Then marries too young And gets stuck paying child support.
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| On Social Acceptance | |
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I sweat like a pig! I sweat like a pig! And no one invites me to parties.
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| Roly-Poly Bug! | |
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Roly-poly bug! Roly-poly bug! Rolls up into a little ball! Roly-poly bug! Roly-poly bug! Doesn't taste very good at all!
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| Bob My Hamster | |
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I put batteries in Bob my hamster, So I wouldn't have to feed him. He died, So I guess it worked.
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| Dolphin | |
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I just shot a dolphin, I did it on porpoise.
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| Electric Sheep! | |
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Electric sheep! Electric sheep! They make electric blankets!
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| Slow Dancing | |
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Pardon, My hard-on.
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| Ecology | |
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The earth is our friend, Eat your garbage.
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| Mel the Rapist | |
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The rapist was lynched, His name was Mel, I didn't see but, I heard he was hung well.
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| Ode to Rum | |
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I love rum, It's rummy, rummy, I drink a lot, And act like a dummy.
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| Mr. Groggle | |
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Mr. Groggle lost his glasses, He can't see where his ass is, So he does a poor job wiping.
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| Giant Pigs! | |
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Giant Pigs! Giant Pigs! They're gonna eat your mom! They wear huge chiffon dresses! I'm taking one to prom! Aaaaaaa!
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| The Fork | |
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La la la, Fork you.
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| Swimming Peril | |
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Help! Help! I'm being eaten! By kelp!
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| Shampoo | |
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Shampoo! Shampoo! Shampoo! Then Sham wipe!
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| Fuzzballs | |
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Fuzzballs, fuzzballs, Hairy little fuzzballs, They use my phone, To make long distance calls, I really hate those Fuzzballs.
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| Mermaid | |
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I caught a mermaid in the sewer, While I was fishing with a lure, So I scaled her and filleted her, For there was no hole to screw her.
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| Crotch Ants! | |
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Crotch Ants! Crotch Ants! They live in my pants! And square dance!
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| Observation | |
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I cut off My cat's feet, Now when he jumps, He never lands.
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| Salmon Spawn | |
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Salmon spawn, On my lawn, It turned brown, And now it's gone.
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| Rating | |
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My girl wanted me to rate her, I didn't want to irritate her, So I said, "You're an eight," And she pissed on my head.
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| Mousse | |
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I went to the store, And bought some mousse, Because my hair, Was really the pits, But the mousse I bought, Was chocolate, Now it looks like my ears, Have the shits.
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| Mr. Sunny | |
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My neighbor, Mr. Sunny, Liked to smile all the time, He doesn't anymore, Because I killed him.
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| Vaseline | |
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Vaseline! Vaseine! It give my teeth That brilliant sheen!
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| Phone Tap | |
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My phone is being tapped, It really isn't fair, When I try to make a call, I'm stepped on by Fred Astaire.
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| Smoked Salmon | |
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Smoked salmon! Smoked salmon! My lungs look like a coal mine!
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| My Candles | |
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I made some candles, Out of my ear wax, What? You say something?
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| Combustable Pork! | |
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Combustable pork! Combustable pork! When I try to eat it It blows up my fork!
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| Final Exam | |
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I was going to cram, For my final exam, But I went to lunch instead. I didn't do well, On my final exam, But at least I was well fed.
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| Hair on My Balls | |
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There's hair on my balls! There's hair on my balls! And now there's hair on my tongue!
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| Something Evil | |
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There is something evil, In the washing machine, So I don't wash my clothes, much.
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| Prunes | |
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I ate a case of prunes, I hope nobody missed 'em, I'll bring them back tomorrow, Once they go through my system.
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| My China | |
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I bought some expensive China, It's really really fina, It's not yours 'cause it's mina, So don't touch it. Assknocker.
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| Rip Van Winkle | |
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It's what time?!
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| Daughter | |
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I sewed gills on my daughter, So she could breathe underwater, It worked really great, Now she can't get a date.
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| Complexion | |
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I put acid in my acne cream, I don't get zits anymore, But my face is really sore, And I'm bleeding on the floor.
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| Gonads | |
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Do your gonads hang low? Do they wobble to and fro? Can you tie them in a knot? Can you tie them in a bow? Do they trip you when you're skipping? Are you anchored skinny dipping? If they do... Then be so kind and let me know.
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| Jack in the Box | |
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Hey! Let me out!
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| Culture | |
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I wish I knew, A foreign language, So I could call you a dickface, In Swedish.
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| Car | |
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My car runs on water! My car runs on water! But only if it's really shallow.
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| Marge | |
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The trial has ended, For my cousin Marge, For credit card fraud, She was guilty as charged.
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| The Lie | |
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Flying fish my ass! I saw you throw it!
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| Ode to the Hymen | |
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Oh hymen! Hymen! Sweet smelling hymen! Give me one bloody chance! You are the door to pleasure! And the key is in my pants!
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| Problem | |
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I fucked a duck, And it got stuck.
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| I Can't Get to Sleep! | |
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I can't get to sleep! Because I'm too aware of my tongue! I want to yank it out! But then I'd talk like Helen Keller! Bah dah bah dah plabbb!
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| Question | |
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What's that little black thing, At the bottom of bananas? It tastes like banana shit, I need to stop eating it.
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| Corporate Sparrow | |
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He worked at the branch office.
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| Ode to Robert Frost | |
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Salty mist assaults my eyes, The ocean's power tells no lies, Miles of flowing, rising waves, Tranquility and calm it saves! I dropped my oars to ponder why, My boat capsized, and I did die.
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| Belly Dancing | |
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Ow! Get off, you dumb broad!
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| On Poetry | |
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Poetry is beauty, Born through artistic trance, It gets me so excited, That I just peed in my pants
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| Auntie Shirley | |
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I have an Auntie Shirley, Her hair is very curly, A beautiful and natural shade of red, I brush it for her at night, Hoping that she also might, Let me brush the hair that's on her head.
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| Boloney | |
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I'm the last slice of baloney, And I'm really, really, lonely.
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| Bowling | |
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I went bowling, With my baby neice, But a ball rolls better.
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| Feet | |
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I nailed my feet to the floor, Now I can't walk anymore.
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| My Hog is on a Diet! | |
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My hog is on a diet! He's down to 114! When I slaughter him for bacon I bet it will be lean!
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| Girlfriend | |
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My girlfriend is like my bank account. She has very little interest.
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| Bass | |
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I was out of cigarettes, So I tried to smoke a bass, It didn't light too well, So I stuck it up my ass
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| Baby Sitting | |
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I like baby sitting, It sure beats a chair.
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| The Elves | |
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The elves are out to get me! They are hiding on the shelves! They should keep to themselves! Those goddamn little elves!
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| Counterfeit Trout | |
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I caught a counterfeit trout, When I was fishing in a lake, It was made out of plastic, So I knew it was a fake, I didn't try to eat it, For fear I would get sick, So I threw the trout back in, And went home with nothing to eat.
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| Vegetable Crimes | |
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I had sex With a melon Now I'm wanted As a felon.
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| The Dumb Hooker | |
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I had a cold, So she blew my nose. She called it a nose job.
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| Campfire | |
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The campfire was dying, So I threw in Aunt Nell, She screamed for a while, But the fire's doing well.
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| Eggs | |
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I eat eggs in the morning, I like them over-easy, If they aren't fully cooked, When I eat them I get quesy, If I stuff them up my nose, Then I get very sneezy, If I put them in my pants, Then I have to get a new pair.
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| Baby | |
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I want to have a baby, To lavish with many cares, I already have the uterus, It's in a box upstairs.
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MORE POEMS |